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Introduction to Relationships & Couples It has been said that the couple relationship is the most primary and basic unit of contemporary Western society. The "family" is built on this idea, and even though many families' function just fine without a two-parent relationship mode, it is still most people's "ideal." It is also true that the desire to couple appears to be a primal and core need. Most people are strongly motivated to seek out relationships and intimacy, and even if they have been betrayed and broken-hearted, they will often begin to seek at another relationship fairly quickly. Additionally, as almost everyone who has had a relationship of any duration will attest, relationships are very hard work. This is true for all relationship models, including monogamous heterosexual couples, gay and lesbian partnerships, bisexual people in a committed relationship with a man or a woman, or people choosing alternative models for relationships like polyfidelity or partnering with one more than one person. Relationships, let me say it again, are very hard work. One of the reasons that relationships are such hard work is because they evoke, or mirror, the essential and usually unresolved issues from our early primary relationships. It is said that people often marry one parent and become the other -- a thought that frightens many people. The reality is that we build our inner sense of love, intimacy and partnership on the relationship that we witnessed between our primary caregivers (usually our parents) and the relationship they developed with us. Any difficulties, struggles, issues left over from how they were parented, becomes passed down to us, and become our legacy for building loving marriages. If we don't become aware of these dynamics, we will pick partners that reflect our unresolved issues and continue to play at an old dance from our generational past. Another reason that relationships are such hard work is because each person struggles with an inner need to be close to another -- to be understand, comforted, "met" -- and an equally powerful inner need for space, autonomy and independence. This, of course, mirrors the infant or young child's' need to be close to mother and to push her away so that he or she can grow up. Because of the nature of gender roles in our culture, men tend toward wanting more space and independence, and women tend towards wanting more closeness and intimacy. These are not biological patterns, but socially constructed ways of being. Obviously, both men and women crave closeness, intimacy as well as independence and autonomy. Couples can become excessively "merged" or "fused" but can also become cold and distant from one another. Often others (friends or lovers) can be brought into relationship as confidents or sexual partners to try to diffuse the tension created by too much closeness or not enough intimacy. Although, this can serve to stabilize the relationship, it can also create havoc and chaos, if issues are left unresolved. Communication and honesty are two of the most important building blocks for a healthy relationship. Couple counseling, or marital therapy, can take place early in the life of a relationship, or at any time when the road gets bumpy. If people are committed to long-term relationships, where each of the partners' continues to grow and develop, it is inevitable that there will be bumpy times in the road. Although relationships can take a lot of work, successful relationships can be achieved if marriages are tended and nurtured. Copyright ©1999, Arlene Istar Lev
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