Articles Transgendered People and Their Families by Arlene Istar Lev This article is excerpted from a talk given by Arlene Istar Lev, CSW-R, CASAC, at the Abacuck Pritchett Dinner Party on September 16, 2000. This talk, held at the Holiday Inn Turf, Albany, New York, was sponsored by the Transgendered Independence Club (TGIC). I am thrilled to be here to today and have an opportunity to talk about the family issues affecting transgendered, issues that I feel have been invisible and ignored within the medical, clinical and political literature. Professionally speaking, people are generally not pounding down my door to hear what I have to say about transgenderism. Let me first define my terms: I am using the term transgendered — as an umbrella term that includes all people who are gender variant including cross-dressers; transsexuals; male, female and intersex born; effeminate males (often assumed to be gay); and masculine females (usually butch and lesbian identified); transwomen and transmen; those who are gender questioning; and those who are gender-bent. It is an imperfect term, and lumps together many disparate communities, desires and experiences. Yet it is also a community with much in common. Transgendered people have been viewed by the medical and clinical communities as people without families, or as if their families are disposable. A thorough search through the medical/psychological literature will yield little mention of family members; clinically, there is no guidance available on how to respond to the needs and issues of family members of transgendered people. The marital and family therapy literature is virtually silent on this issue. A brief survey of the literature reveals the following: Betty Steiner, in 1985, warned clinicians who work in the area of "… gender disorders that they will occasionally have to deal with the partners of patients…" [italics mine]. Ray Blanchard, in 1990, referred to "…the frustrating conflict between his [sic] desire to live as a woman and his reluctance to abandon his wife, children, or career" (p. 58). Note, there is nothing in this sentence that suggests that there does not have to be a conflict, or that transition might not mean "abandonment" of the family. Or that is far more likely that "his" wife, and job, will abandon her. There is also no indication that she would abdicate her parenting responsibilities although another author says, "if the patient has children, you must ascertain whether he ever allows the children to see him cross-dressed and counsel him against allowing this to happen." This is despite the fact that the little research that has been done — and they always do research on our children because they are so worried about us hurting them — show that our children cope very well with gender transition, especially when their needs are respected, and they are an integral part of the family's communication. Transsexual women have been encouraged to leave their marriages and build new lives; their wives are viewed as appendages more easily removed by the surgeons than the unwanted body parts. It is not safe for transsexuals to even talk about their grief or sadness leaving their marriages because this is viewed as a sign they are not ready to transition. Interestingly, in all the studies done to analyze the "success rate" of SRS, the impact of the loss of family is not factored in. Of course being married to a transgender person invites the critical eye of the mental health profession onto the spouses' mental health. Studies which examine the wives of transvestites state that these women (they are always assumed to be women) have poor self-esteem, troubled childhoods, and are so dependent that they "tolerated the obsessive, self-centered behavior of their cross-dressing spouses"… they sacrificed their own sense of worth … by marrying a transvestite." They are described as competitive and angry and accused of causing the transgendered behavior in both her husband and her sons. Not to minimize the sometimes obsessive behavior of people in transition, I hardly think it is their own pathology that unconsciously chooses these marriage partners. Partners of FtM's are not mentioned at all, except of course to suggest that these women (and their partners are always assumed to be women) will cope very well with transition. It is assumed, in their homophobia and ignorance, that women involved in lesbian relationships would be more satisfied being involved with a man. There is very little hope given in the literature, that a relationship with a gender variant partner could be functioning or fulfilling or god forbid, erotic. Steiner continues saying, "Marital therapy is generally unsuccessful because the transvestitic spouse will not relinquish his [sic] cross-dressing behavior." It seems obvious that marital therapy is bound to fail if its success is based on cessation of cross-dressing behavior. It is my experience that concern for their loved ones — parents, partners, spouses, children — is one of the most pressing issues for most transgender people. Cross-dressers are afraid of being found out, and live secret and closeted lives. Young people live in terror anticipating their parents' judgments. Parents wait until children are grown before self-disclosing. And spouses, both heterosexual and homosexual, try endless ways to suppress, repress, deny, avoid, the pressing issues around gender in order to preserve their marriages. Some in the trans community will say, "nothing is more important that living an authentic life, I had to get out and get on with my life." Others will say, "this marriage, this partner, these children ARE my life, and I cannot choose between them and my gender needs." I am not sure there are "correct answers" here — some families can live with "compromise" and negotiation around this issue and others simply cannot. Recently an upper-middle class white man begged me to tell him how to make his gender confusion go away so he could just live a "normal" life. I had to tell him that I had no secret cure, that he didn't have disease, he just had a part of himself that wanted to finally see the light of day. His greatest fear was losing his wife and custody of his children. I then saw an adolescent male, dressed and living as a female, who had been given diagnoses, therapeutic interventions and medications to cure her gender dysphoria since early childhood, all of course unsuccessful. She said to me, "I am not a transsexual; I am a woman. Now how old do I have to be to get those hormones?" I was the first person she had ever met that referred to her in female pronouns, and told her I would help her get the medical attentions she needed. Her only fear was being rejected by her family. I met with a FtM transsexual who was beginning hormone treatment. He had been a single mother to his two teenage children. His only concern in moving forward in his transition was losing custody of his children, and losing his affiliation with the lesbian community, the only family he'd ever known. There are many answers that I do not have for my clients but there are a few things I know. I know that everyone, everyone has a right to his or her own gender expression. Everyone. I know that families are important, essential to our sense of belonging and the quality of our mental health. Family life is no less important or relevant to trans people than it is to any other person. I know that families can survive transition (whether that is defined as SRS and living full time, or as coming out and needing to live a more honest life regarding gender identity). I know that families can not just survive transition, but they can thrive. I know that spouses are entitled to their own process, their own coming out. Sometimes a person who has been secretly cross-dressing for 20 years comes out and self-discloses to a spouse and expects them to accepting with a few weeks. How long did it take you to come to terms with yourself? Give you spouse time to adjust. I know that our children can live with far more gender ambiguity that most adults. Story overhead in a local daycare. Three boys are talking. One boy says, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Second little boy says, "I want to be a mommy." Third little boy says, "you mean like my daddy wanted to be a mommy so he became one." Second little boy, without batting an eyelash or flinching says, "No, I mean I want to grow up and use powertools like mommies can." I love that story. I love that little boys are growing up in a world where women can wield powertools, and that is what they identify as a "female" thing. And I love that self-disclosure around transsexualism did not raise any questions. There is one more thing that I know. I know that most therapists, most clinicians, are woefully ignorant about the needs of our families, and I know that we deserve better. Copyright ©2000 Arlene Istar Lev Back to top. Arlene Istar Lev CSW-R, CASAC is a family therapist, educator and activist who works with the LGBT communities. Her book, Transgender Emergence, is forthcoming from Haworth Press. She can be reached at 518.463.9152 or by email at istarlev@aol.com.

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